Healthy choices or obsession? What happened when I reached a breaking point.

Pull up a seat my friend. I’m about to reveal some secrets! Okay, maybe not secrets but I want to talk about this struggle which became something ridiculously unhealthy in recent months.

So over the last 11 years of my life I’ve been actively living some form of a healthy lifestyle. It started back in 2007. I joined Weight Watchers. I joined in June of that year, and by October of that year I had lost 45 lbs! The lowest weight I have ever made it to in my adult life was that fall, and the summer of 2015. I have hit 201 lbs and have not yet been able to crack below that.  Those of you that are in my day to day life know that I eat healthy meals, I’m active when I can be. I don’t let food become the crutch I’ve always feared since 2007.  I’ve been hyper aware since I first started on the journey to be healthy 11 years ago that I wasn’t going to go back there, I wasn’t going to let food be a security blanket and it really isn’t. Pizza is a comfort food, but even that I only indulge in once a month if I’m lucky.

So let’s bring you up to speed a bit. In recent months I’ve stopped Weight Watchers online because I wasn’t feeling it. I was still eating well, but seeing small losses or plateaus and I needed to shake it up. I purchased an online membership to Lose It! after trying it for free for a month. It works great for tracking all the things you want to track, including any goals you may have for fitness or food. So I started just calorie tracking. That worked alright for a little while, but no major results, even when I started walking on lunches daily. My frustration was definitely building. So after some research and recipe hunting, and a bit of meal planning I decided what the heck, I’m going to try low carb eating!

So for a few weeks Chris and I started eating low carb and for the most part we loved the foods we were eating. It was a challenge at times when we couldn’t just pop toast in the toaster when we were hungry. Pasta obviously came out of our rotation. Things we enjoyed were less frequent or required a low carb alternative. That said, after a few weeks we both saw amazing results in our individual weight goals. For me it was after months of small losses, it felt good to see bigger ones. I did feel better over all, I had more energy. It was good. I felt guilty indulging when we went away for a weekend, and during that time was very careful not to over indulge. But even the indulgences I did have left me waking up in the morning feeling like I had a hangover and I wasn’t drinking! But still I pushed on.

Let’s get to this past weekend when everything sort of reared it’s ugly head.

Towards the end of week is weigh in day. I was up 2 pounds. Now my rational mind knows there is an up and down to weight loss. Heck, I’ve been living it for 11 years! But this seemed absolutely devastating to me after the high I was feeling from the successes of the past weeks. I sat on the bed, I wasn’t crying but had my face in my hands. My husband came over and said, “That’s it, this is enough!” He has watched me go through this for so long.  He said something like the following, I’m likely paraphrasing a bit.

“Do we eat healthy? ” I responded “Yes”

“Are we active?” I responded “Yes”

“You are beautiful and you are healthy. Even when you get to the weight goal you are fighting to reach, I don’t think you are going to be happy. You look beautiful now, and you won’t be any more beautiful if/when that time comes. So keep making healthy choices and just live your life. This battle with numbers on a scale has to end because it is making you absolutely miserable. It’s time to let it go. If you want to keep tracking what you eat for accountability, do it. But if you want to gauge any losses or gains, do it with how clothes fit! You want that Star Wars shirt to be loose for our Disney trip? Keep trying it on every few weeks, but don’t step on that scale anymore!”

Talk about a moment.  So yeah, this is new territory for me. He’s right, and I’m scared. But I’m going to keep my butt active, and make good choices 90% of the time. Let’s be honest, I only hate how I look in pictures because society tells me my shape isn’t “pleasing to the eye”.  I’m not looking at me, I’m looking at what I’m not. I need to look at what I am.

  • I’m healthy – even if the world looks at me as overweight, guess what? My Dr has always expressed how healthy I’ve been!
  • I’m smart
  • I have amazing brown eyes
  • I have a great smile
  • My hips do not lie, I rock those curves

Time to love who I am, how I am and care for her for awhile.

2 comments
  1. Hmm reasons why your husband is good for you. Society not so much. You should keep the former.. 😉 We all suffer from how we want to be, look, live, and it is the mechanisms that drive us all to be the better of ourselves. To be alive really is to strive to improve yourself.. what they don’t tell you is who your competitor is.. society would say it’s x, but really it’s you. You from yesterday, beat them today and you win. Never stop beating them.. always win.. 🙂

  2. I agree with your Husband 110%. You are truly a beautiful person inside and out! And eating health is important but not for weight loss but for your heart, mind, body and soul. I mean that in a sense that what you can make feel sluggish/tired/hungover/foggy and if you find a food that does that then maybe it is best to take it out of the regular day meals. And you do rock those curves! 🙂

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