I’ve been pretty open about my spiritual exploration. In the past year I have embraced that I am in fact Christian. In my heart of hearts I do believe not in a higher power, but in him. Beyond that is where my journey of exploration continues. I’m yearning to discover why part of me has felt embarrassed to openly admit that truth. What has happened either in my life or in society around me that I feel the need to be a closeted Christian?
This question really haunts me. I recall a cousin deciding he would go to bible school when I was a child. I remember clearly all the opinions of my family. None of them favourable. This isn’t a reflection of my cousin or even my family, but more that to this day I wonder why? My happy go lucky heart cannot understand or process why anyone would speak poorly of someone who has found happiness, a purpose and fulfillment. Even if it’s something they don’t share in, or understand, why take that joy away from them? So I think back to that event and wonder if that’s what started shaping my fear? Outside of that incident, I’ll be honest, like my husband my brain has a hard time with organized religion. So many evangelists and charlatans are taking advantage of people. Using their faith as a tool to exploit them, take their money and more. It’s that evil that also makes me so trepidatious about how I should worship. Perhaps it was why relatives were so skeptical back then? They thought that my cousin was being taken advantage of, or thought in turn he would take advantage of others? The sadness is that even the most optimistic people need to accept there is darkness in the world and despite it, find and fight for the light.
My journey continues on. I’ve been to church a few times in the past two months. The services I attended left me feeling curious, yet satisfied and more interestingly excited to devour more. The Pastor at the church we’ve been attending includes a little bit of history in his weekly sermon and that history lesson for me is a bit of an anchor to a time I have always struggled to connect with. When I can look at the story of Christ and the writings of the Bible just as much as a truth as a it is a history lesson, I’m totally intrigued and captivated by the “history”.
Everyone finds their own path. This is mine. I’ll continue on it and see where it takes me. For now it’s interesting, somewhat enlightening and even a bit fun. We wouldn’t be here had we not met a pair of leaky Christians (look my first inside Christian joke!) who gave us friendship and more than words can ever say.